CAT & MOUSE
© Cary E. Cook 1999
CAT: large man, pointy ears, whiskers, long tail
MOUSE: small man, round ears, whiskers, long tail
[MOUSE is standing around trying unsuccessfully to open a bag of Cheetos.]
[CAT stealthily approaches from behind, braces, wags his rear,
and springs, landing on mouse's tail.]
CAT
Gotcha!
MOUSE
[throws the Cheetos up]
Aaaagh! Gosh darn, don't ever do that!
CAT
It's all over, slick.
MOUSE
Scared the cheddar outa me!
CAT
Sure enough did that, yup.
MOUSE
How'd you like it if some bone-lick dog did that to you?
CAT
Well, I sure wouldn't like that. No. I sure wouldn't.
MOUSE
[pause]
What the hell you grinning at?
CAT
I got me a mouse is why I'm grinning, boy.
MOUSE
Where do they learn this talk?
"You in a heap o' trouble, boy." What are you on - grits?
CAT
You in more than a heap o' trouble, boy. You dead meat.
MOUSE
Oh, okay. I get it. It's intimidation, right?
I'm supposed to go, "Oh please Mister Cat, don't eat me.
I'm so scared." That's what you're after, right?
CAT
Something like that.
MOUSE
Okay fine, but I'm not into that.
So if that's what you want, go jump some other mouse, okay?
CAT
I don't need no other mouse, Alvin. I got you!
And pretty soon you gonna catch on to how got you are.
And it's gonna be a whole new attitude.
MOUSE
Look, if you're gonna be like this,
I don't see any point in discussing it further.
CAT
Well good, cause I don't either. I'm done talking.
Talking time is over. You know what time it is now,
fancy feast?
MOUSE
I suppose you're gonna bite my head off and eat it.
CAT
Not so fast. I'm coming to that. First we're gonna play a little game. You know what the game is called? [long pause]
Come on; it's not that hard.
MOUSE
It is when you're trying to think of a really great sarcastic reply, and nothing's coming.
CAT
We are gonna play cat and mouse.
MOUSE
Why didn't I think of that?
CAT
You know how to play cat and mouse?
MOUSE
No, I can't say I've ever played that one.
CAT
Well, I'm the cat, see?
MOUSE
My God.
CAT
Just listen, okay. The cat has caught the mouse, and it looks like it's all over, but no, the cat wants more than just a meal. He wants entertainment. And a dead mouse is somewhere around ball of yarn level. But a live mouse,
now that's primo.
MOUSE
Must be the danger.
CAT
Because a live mouse thinks if he plays it well,
he just might get away.
MOUSE
You mean if he's not so chewed up he doesn't care?
CAT
Yeah. That's right.
MOUSE
Okay, I can appreciate where you're coming from. All the mice
I know would give you exactly what you're looking for.
But there's something going on here you gotta understand, okay. I am not your normal mouse. [pause] Now I'm not asking for special privileges, but try to understand this.
I am not in the game.
CAT
[pause] What in the cheese dip you talkin' about?
[CAT smacks MOUSE up the side of the head and sends him tumbling.]
CAT
You in the game, boy, cause you the ball!
[CAT smacks him around some more.]
[MOUSE plays Gandhi - no flight, no cowering, no resistance.]
CAT
Come on! Do something! [continues battering]
Look, you want me to start bitin' parts off? [pause]
Hey! I'm talking to you.
MOUSE
Bite me.
[CAT smacks him again.]
CAT
Okay, I get it. It's the old "sick mouse" trick, right?
I know that gig. Once I caught this mouse. He didn't do nothin', just kinda squeaky groaned and rolled over and shook hisself. So I figured, hey I ain't that hungry. Sucker give me some bubonic crud. But then I thought, "what if it's just a act?" I don't know. So just to be sure, I bit his head off anyway. Spit it out. So if that's what you're thinking…
MOUSE
This is not the "sick mouse" trick. It's the "mouse don't give a rip" trick. It's not even a trick. It's the real thing.
CAT
Yeah right.
MOUSE
Do I look sick to you? Here, watch this.
[MOUSE runs in place and does some calisthenics to prove his health.]
There! So, whatever you wanna do, go ahead and do it.
[CAT is totally befuddled. Walks around mouse, trying to decide what to do.]
MOUSE
Just don't bore me to death, okay.
[CAT sits down next to mouse.]
CAT
You wanna talk about it?
MOUSE
Hey, if I ever find anything worth talking to, there's not much chance it's gonna be a ring-worm pussy cat.
CAT
Hey! Don't be calling me that.
MOUSE
Chew on it.
CAT
Look, I'm tryin' to give you a break, Clarence.
MOUSE
[pause] You ever wonder why mice are mice? [long pause]
It's because they deserve to be mice.
They don't have the guts to be anything else. [pause]
You know why mice are such low self esteemers? [pause]
It's because they deserve low self esteem.
They let themselves be tyrannized by mediocrity. You know why…
CAT
Because they deserve it?
MOUSE
Yes, but do you know why they deserve it?
CAT
[pause] 'Cause they're mice?
MOUSE
Because they're afraid. Not just "Boo!" and they jump.
The very core of their being is fear. You know what mice are afraid of?
CAT
Cats?
MOUSE
I used to think they were afraid of death. But then I started asking around. I asked them straight out, "Hey do you really enjoy living?" You know what they said? [pause] Nothing. Evasions. Wouldn't answer the question. You know why? [pause] Because they were afraid of the answer. [pause]
Now. You starting to catch on?
[long pause. MOUSE slowly stands up, starts to walk away.]
[CAT grabs his tail.]
CAT
Wait a minute! Just don't be making no hasty assumptions, alright. I'm thinkin' about this. [pause]
Tell you what. I'll spot you some points.
[MOUSE looks exasperated.]
CAT
No, listen. You see that over there? What is that?
MOUSE
A mouse hole.
CAT
Right. Now. I'm gonna give you a fair chance to run for it. Maybe you make it; maybe you don't. I don't care.
Maybe you don't either. But it's your only chance.
MOUSE
I told you, I don't play games.
CAT
Hey! Games are all we got, alright? Now, I'm gonna back off in this direction, and whenever you feel froggy, jump. [pause]
Come on. [pause] Come on, what do you want – my paws tied?
[pause] [MOUSE walks over to cat.]
MOUSE
"Games are all we got"?
[CAT tries to maintain, but breaks down and sobs.]
MOUSE
Aw, come on, puss.
CAT
Don't call me that!
MOUSE
Hey, at least you got a life; you're a cat.
CAT
Yeah right, I'm a cat. Got nine lousy lives.
MOUSE
Hey, I wouldn't mind bein' a cat.
CAT
Here it comes. Everybody wants to be a cat. We got the walk; we got the talk. We cool. Even dogs wanna be cats.
MOUSE
You complaining?
CAT
No, it's fine with us. That's what the game's all about.
MOUSE
Oh.
CAT
And now you talkin' about something else. And, like uh…
Cats don't talk about nothin' else. You get my drift?
MOUSE
Mmh.
CAT
Cause once you open that door, it's like… you don't even want to know what it's like. You know? And really I oughta just eat you and go take a nap, cause like this kinda talk is just totally not on the program.
MOUSE
What kind of talk?
CAT
You know what kinda talk, Socrates!
Be pokin' that pointy nose in uncool places.
MOUSE
Okay, sorry. So, what are you telling me?
I thought cats had it all down [pause]
Are you saying… cats don't really know where it's at?
[CAT sobs uncontrollably.]
MOUSE
Oh wow!
CAT
It was all hype! All of it! We walk around lookin' cool. "Hey, cat, gimme four." It's bird doodoo. We all know it.
But nobody ever says anything.
MOUSE
Wo-o-ow!
[MOUSE walks back in the direction he came from.]
[During cat's next line, MOUSE casually walks closer to the mouse hole.]
CAT
Everybody thinks we're great lovers cause they hear us all night. You know what it's really like? Just when you start gettin' into it, she screams and runs around the side of the house. And then she rolls around in the grass and looks at you like, "Hey, you wanna do it again?" I mean sure, I'll do it again, but dog slobber, woman, do it right this time!
MOUSE
I'm sure you realize, this throws a whole new slant on absolutely everything.
CAT
Hey, get back here.
[MOUSE dashes for the mouse hole.]
[CAT jumps after him, but too late.]
CAT
Darn you! Get back here! That's no fair! [CAT throws a tantrum.] Darn doggone lousy pig mouse lying sand box lump!! You get back out here and do it right! We were on a time out! You said no games, gosh darn it! You can't move around on a time out! That is really naughty! Oh am I gonna get you!
I am gonna get you so bad!
[starts walking away]
"Not in the game." Aaagh! I'm gonna get that guy!
MOUSE
Hey, cat!
CAT
You are so dead meat!
MOUSE
Mister cat, wait a minute.
CAT
I'm gonna start with the feet, then the tail, just a little bit at a time, then I'll figure out the rest as I go.
MOUSE
Hey, I know you think I'm laughing my whiskers off right now,
but I'm not.
CAT
Don't you say a word to me you… you mouse!
MOUSE
Hey listen, okay. I'm not proud of this.
CAT
Real conflicted, huh?
MOUSE
I want you to know something. I really meant what I said.
CAT
What? The part about no games?
MOUSE
When I said it, I really meant it.
CAT
Get off my pointy pink!
MOUSE
I thought I meant it. I really thought I meant all of it.
But then when I saw a way out…
CAT
Just too tempting, huh? Reality just wasn't what you thought it was.
MOUSE
I didn't know it was gonna feel like this.
CAT
What is this, an apology? Are you saying you're sorry you won the game?
MOUSE
It wasn't a game.
CAT
Why? Because the stakes were too high?
That's what makes the game!
MOUSE
No. It's not that.
CAT
Okay, then you're not the mouse you thought you were.
You're just another mouse. That's what stings, isn't it?
You deserve to be a mouse. And now you know it.
[CAT turns and walks away.]
[MOUSE comes out of the hole.]
MOUSE
Cat!
[MOUSE cautiously walks center stage.]
[CAT braces for a charge.]
[MOUSE walks forward.]
[CAT charges, knocks MOUSE over and away from the mouse hole.
CAT bats MOUSE around a few more times, then circles around mouse,
deciding what to do.
The moment of truth. CAT picks up the bag of Cheetos,
opens it, eats one, doesn't like it, drops the bag in mouse's lap, exits.]
Blackout